Nearly all of us are kinky, so why are the majority desperate to keep it a secret?

When it comes to getting down and dirty in the bedroom, we might have secret kinks or fantasies that we’re interested in but haven’t quite got around to trying yet.

Whether that’s down to a lack of partner, internalised shame or otherwise, up to 90% of women are hiding a hidden sexual desire, from orgies to voyeurism and exhibitionism.

Now, new research to mark National Kink Month has found that 37% of people would go as far as willingly signing a sex non-disclosure agreement (NDA) before sleeping with a new partner to ensure that their kinks aren’t revealed to others. And another 43% would consider it.

Elsewhere, the study, from the experts at dating app Flure, found that kinks are relatively common despite the fact that some of us are still naked and ashamed, as 50% of people are turned on by the idea of public sex, while 49% are open to trying a threesome.

Role play was in third place as 41% were interested in trying it, while bondage and BDSM were appealing to 30% and 27% respectively.

But just because we have these fantasies, it doesn’t mean we’re always communicating them to our partners.

61% of those surveyed have kinks that they haven’t revealed to their partner – and 41% admitted that they’re more comfortable discussing their sexual interests with their best friends than with their better half (or halves.)

So, how might a sex NDA work in practice, and why are so many of us still harbouring secret kinks? Metro chatted with the experts to find out.

What is a kink?

As sex and relationship expert Serena Novelli tells Metro, the very definition of a kink is ‘any sexual activity, fantasy or behaviour that sits outside of what’s considered traditional or “vanilla” sex.’

This might involve ‘role play, sensory experiences, power dynamics, or anything that brings novelty and excitement to intimacy. At its heart, kink is about exploring desires and deepening connection in a consensual, safe way.’

In recent years, as society has moved towards embracing a more sex-positive culture, kinks have become more normalised as, according to Serena, people ‘are talking more openly about desires and exploring new sides of themselves without shame.’

However, as noted by the very existence of a ‘sex NDA,’ some are still embarrassed or even ashamed of their own kinks – and this might manifest as internalised kink-shaming, which as Serena explains, ‘keeps people from fully embracing their desires.’

What is a sex NDA and how would it work?

In Serena’s view, a sex NDA or contract might equip couples with the freedom to explore their intimacy ‘without worry,’ and this might be freeing.

‘It’s also a reflection of how uncomfortable many people feel about judgment. While it may help build initial trust, true intimacy blossoms when couples feel safe enough to be open with each other about all aspects of themselves without the need for legal boundaries,’ she adds.

And, in sex and relationship and marriage counsellor Rhian Kivits’ opinion, while a sex NDA can protect a partner’s privacy and ‘promote clear communication around sexual preferences, mutual consent and boundaries,’ it also runs the risk of creating a power imbalance.

‘One partner might feel silenced by having signed the NDA, which could leave individuals open to abuse, whereby they may feel like it means they cannot seek to address boundary violations,’ Rhian tells Metro.

‘There is also the issue of how an NDA is enforced and what that might mean for the relationship. On an emotional level, it’s possible that the presence of an NDA can have an impact on trust.

‘You could also argue it establishes mutual trust, but in some cases, it could make individuals feel like there is an atmosphere of mistrust in the relationship.’

How to explore kinks with a new partner

When it comes to exploring and navigating kinks with a new partner, the key is clear conversations and consent.

‘Developing a healthy dialogue together about sex is helpful, so that when you feel ready to talk about your likes and preferences, you feel confident enough to share openly,’ Rhian suggests.

‘Introduce your kinks with curiosity and be willing to explain and share your experiences your partner. In turn, be curious about their response to whatever you’re sharing.’

The same applies when exploring new territory with an existing partner: ensure you’re setting boundaries and establishing mutual consent.

‘Talk about the benefits and any perceived risks you see, considering what you might say or do if either of you felt uncomfortable or the experience didn’t seem to unfold quite as you had hoped,’ Rhian concludes.

‘If things don’t quite go to plan, reassure each other and remain connected. Issues don’t have to cause arguments, but it is important to talk honestly afterwards about the experience so that you can make changes or try something slightly different next time.’

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