My partner (46, male) and I (39, female) have been together for just over a year and moved in together five months ago. We’ve been through a lot together already, including a serious family matter that impacted our lives a great deal. The issue is our sex life. While I am a very sexual being, he doesn’t seem to be. We have sex about once a week, which might be enough for many people, but not for me. I have tried talking to him about it, but he says there is nothing wrong, which I find hard to believe. I know he regularly watches pornography, so I assume libido is not the issue. I am starting to believe that although I’m sure he loves me very much, he is just not very attracted to me sexually, and I don’t know how to deal with this. I have never had this experience in previous relationships, and it’s triggering insecurities in me I didn’t even know I had. I have tried talking to him, suggesting we try to spice things up – such as dressing up for him – but to no avail. As much as I love him, I don’t think I’m prepared to live a life of infrequent, vanilla sex.
Family issues and stressful events – in fact, any type of stress – can negatively affect anyone’s libido. It might be best to put your partner’s current level of sexual interest into perspective – and to understand that it’s not about you. Remember that people view erotic material for many different reasons, including when they are trying to elevate their sexual interest in general. Do not pressure him. Instead, try to find ways to de-stress both of you – ideally, planning relaxing leisure time doing things you both enjoy, or taking a vacation. One year of being together is not a long time. It will take considerably longer to truly get to know each other sexually, and it’s never wise to put pressure on a partner or create sexual anxiety. Your sexual frequency will always wax and wane depending on what else is going on in your lives. Don’t count your weekly lovemaking sessions or compare their frequency to what you think is normal or believe that others are experiencing. When it comes to eroticism, prioritise quality over quantity.
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Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
