My sister’s cheapskate boyfriend never opens his wallet on family holidays

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on what to do if you have an issue with your sibling’s partner and dealing with conflict at work.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.

I have never really got along that well with my sister’s boyfriend, but a few years ago we agreed to be civil towards each other.

Every year we go on a family holiday together – this is a vacation that has been going on for years, way before they got together – but he now joins us. She is the only sibling to have a partner, and he is the only person to come who is not a blood relative.

At no point during these trips away does he offer to pay for anything – not the food, drinks or accommodation.

Am I unreasonable for getting angry about this? I don’t feel I can ever say anything due to our previous history, but I also know I earn significantly less than anyone else in the family so find it hard to fund an extra person’s whole holiday.  

I understand we would have been going away to the same accommodation anyway and they share her room, but there would have been one less mouth to feed. It would be great to have some advice on this, thanks. 

This is grating and, no, I don’t think you’re unreasonable. On principle, this is the sort of thing that would really get to me too, so I hear you. Even if it weren’t your money, and it were just your parents or sister footing the bill for him, this is the sort of injustice that makes me cross to watch.

And of course your feelings are only going to be exacerbated by the fact that you’re stretching yourself to fund something that the guy in the next-door room is enjoying at your expense.

A guy who you don’t particularly like, I might add.

While you need to suck it up to a degree, as it’s your sister and this is the guy she’s chosen to be with, I think when it comes to this specific issue there is a way for you to have a conversation that doesn’t need to be the most awkward thing ever.  

Rather than framing it as an issue you have with him not paying, perhaps you could position it as an issue you have with paying. This gives you a bit of license to dance around the point but enables you to say to your sister, or parents, or whoever is best positioned to make a change: ‘I love this trip and it’s the highlight of my year but it’s expensive and obviously I don’t earn as much as everyone else. It would be great if maybe we could look at a different way of covering the costs…’

This gives you the chance to bring up (gently) how certain members of the group could do more to pull their weight. Honestly though, I think you’re also within your rights to say something a bit more direct to your sister too.

It doesn’t have to be a huge trip down memory lane rehashing all your past beef; it can literally just be a ‘great that he comes, not great that he doesn’t offer to pay for anything’ sort of thing.  

Before you do any of it though, I think you need to work out what it is you want to achieve. If it’s a greater sense of justice then you might need to manage your expectations a bit as it sounds as if you know who he is and don’t expect him to change much.

But if there’s a tangible difference that you think can come from the conversations, have them, because otherwise it’ll eat you up. In cases like this I’d always recommend the most peaceful route available, and only you know which outcome will give you what you need.  

I am a young woman and recently at work I have been iced out by someone I thought was a friend. We had worked and sat together for just under a year and recently had another woman join our area.

We were all constantly laughing together and texting and just generally having a good time. One of the women was leaving and management decided to have a move around so both girls were moved out of my area while I was away on annual leave.  

Upon my return neither girl spoke to me and when I looked at them to smile and say hello in passing, they avoided eye contact. As someone with depression I find it difficult to make and keep friends and so this loss has affected me deeply and I’m confused as to what I have done to have caused this.

I’m reluctant to speak to the friend now as I find it an awkward situation. How can I move forward? 

Off the bat I need to let you know that I don’t think this has happened because of anything you have done. All too often, when we feel people are annoyed, angry, or even just a little bit off with us, we rack our brains looking for evidence that we did something wrong or that it is somehow our fault.

In reality, when you do something bad enough to warrant a reaction like this from someone, you’d know about it.  

As hard as it is, I really don’t want you to take their behaviour personally. And although that sounds mad and impossible because it is happening to you, I don’t believe it’s happening because of you, and therefore I don’t think you need to make it your problem.

If you have wronged these women to the extent that they will no longer smile at you, it is their responsibility to communicate their issue to you. If they can’t do that, that’s really on them.

I understand that this has hurt your feelings and I am so sorry because that’s really hard, but I want to stress that the person at fault here is not you and you don’t need to move through this with apology, shame, or even awkwardness.  

If you have it in you (and I know this is scary), I’d ask one or both of them outright, over text or face to face, ‘hey, what’s going on, you guys have barely looked at me since I got back…’ and give them the opportunity to behave like grownups and let you know what’s going on.

In the unlikely event that you have done something wrong, this gives you the opportunity to right it. If, as I suspect, their issue is nothing to do with you, they can confirm that too.

There is of course the possibility that they won’t reply at all, which is probably the loudest answer of them all, and in that instance I’d recommend moving on and fast.  

Because you’re all adults, and if they can’t communicate with you in a grownup manner, that is their failing not yours, and you are better off without them. It’s hard to keep your heart on your sleeve after you’ve been burnt, but please don’t let their behaviour scare you off meeting new people and forging new friendships in the future.

You deserve some answers, so get what you can and move forwards as best you can when you get them.  

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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